Are You Monogamous Or Only Interested In Open Relationships/hookups?
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The framing of your question is very problematic because it is a binary choice on something that is vastly too complex.
Monogamy itself is mostly a social construct built around oppressing women and treating them like property. In most cultures for most of human history men have been allowed, encouraged, celebrated as dogs and women have been traded like property and their vaginas treated like the gateway to legitimate property ownership. For gay relationships, mapping monogamy onto them is problematic in many ways, not the least of which is because that same set of cultural biases are unfriendly to anything other than "traditional" opposite sex activities.
Most importantly, biology has definitively proven that human bodies are not designed for monogamy. The penis is shaped to scrape out another dude's jizz and deposit yours deeper. Men ejaculate more when their brains think their partner has been having sex with others. And lots more. And biology will always beat cultural pressures, 100% of the time, eventually.
I would strongly encourage you, if this topic is of interest, to read a few things.
First, Esther Perel wrote a great book called Mating in Captivity that explores the cultural and biological underpinnings of monogamy. She did a lecture with sex advice columnist Dan Savage which you can hear here: https://overcast.fm/+GeYbxRhmo/45:45
An excerpt:
Second, there was a great piece in the NY Times about 10 years ago looking at how important non-monogamy has been to actually maintaining and preserving many marriages. "Companionate" relationships have been a thing for thousands of years and are just as valid and certainly more fulfilling than decades long marriages that are "monogamous" yet only held together by hatred and resentment and cultural pressures. Check out: Married, With Infidelities (Published 2011)
Monogamy itself is mostly a social construct built around oppressing women and treating them like property. In most cultures for most of human history men have been allowed, encouraged, celebrated as dogs and women have been traded like property and their vaginas treated like the gateway to legitimate property ownership. For gay relationships, mapping monogamy onto them is problematic in many ways, not the least of which is because that same set of cultural biases are unfriendly to anything other than "traditional" opposite sex activities.
Most importantly, biology has definitively proven that human bodies are not designed for monogamy. The penis is shaped to scrape out another dude's jizz and deposit yours deeper. Men ejaculate more when their brains think their partner has been having sex with others. And lots more. And biology will always beat cultural pressures, 100% of the time, eventually.
I would strongly encourage you, if this topic is of interest, to read a few things.
First, Esther Perel wrote a great book called Mating in Captivity that explores the cultural and biological underpinnings of monogamy. She did a lecture with sex advice columnist Dan Savage which you can hear here: https://overcast.fm/+GeYbxRhmo/45:45
An excerpt:
Savage: Meg Barker writes that the pressure to perfectly execute monogamy over the lifetime of a marriage, half a century or more, makes every monogamous relationship a disaster waiting to happen. [...] Monogamy is the only standard for success. You did it perfectly or you are terrible at it. I get in trouble for telling people that if you're with someone for 50 years and they only cheated on you once or twice or three times, they were good at monogamy, not bad at monogamy.
Perel: For most of history, monogamy had nothing to do with love, and was primarily an imposition on women. Monogamy has never been an equal gender proposition. Men practically have a license to cheat, they have a whole series of theories that justify why they are natural roamers. Women were created as a domestic creature that never wants to go anywhere -- and I don't understand why she gets locked up everywhere if she never wants to go anywhere, but that's another thing. Monogamy was basically an economic imposition in order to know whose children are and who gets the cows when I die. It's about patrimony and lineage.
Then it was one person for life. Then it moved to one person at a time. A woman told me: "I was monogamous in my two marriages and with my three boyfriends since." I am monogamous in all my relationships.
Savage: Serial monogamy.
Perel: The concept changed, that it's one person at a time, not one person for life. When we used to marry and have sex for the first time, monogamy meant one thing. But today you marry and stop having sex with others, monogamy means something else. Exclusivity, coming after 10 years of sexual nomadism is very different from exclusivity that comes from coming as a virgin to marriage and then having your first and only experience for life. These terms are fluid.
Perel: For most of history, monogamy had nothing to do with love, and was primarily an imposition on women. Monogamy has never been an equal gender proposition. Men practically have a license to cheat, they have a whole series of theories that justify why they are natural roamers. Women were created as a domestic creature that never wants to go anywhere -- and I don't understand why she gets locked up everywhere if she never wants to go anywhere, but that's another thing. Monogamy was basically an economic imposition in order to know whose children are and who gets the cows when I die. It's about patrimony and lineage.
Then it was one person for life. Then it moved to one person at a time. A woman told me: "I was monogamous in my two marriages and with my three boyfriends since." I am monogamous in all my relationships.
Savage: Serial monogamy.
Perel: The concept changed, that it's one person at a time, not one person for life. When we used to marry and have sex for the first time, monogamy meant one thing. But today you marry and stop having sex with others, monogamy means something else. Exclusivity, coming after 10 years of sexual nomadism is very different from exclusivity that comes from coming as a virgin to marriage and then having your first and only experience for life. These terms are fluid.
Second, there was a great piece in the NY Times about 10 years ago looking at how important non-monogamy has been to actually maintaining and preserving many marriages. "Companionate" relationships have been a thing for thousands of years and are just as valid and certainly more fulfilling than decades long marriages that are "monogamous" yet only held together by hatred and resentment and cultural pressures. Check out: Married, With Infidelities (Published 2011)
Thanks for the reading material. To be fair. I have no issue with non monogamy generally and I agree that the concept of monogamy is a construct.
But I guess I presented it in binary way purposefully because I want a very clear cut answer. Even though the topic might be complex... people often have a very simple idea of it practically speaking especially regarding gay relationships.
I'm polyamorous because, as much as I love my primary partner, there's a lot of needs of mine that one person alone can't meet and hookups have never really been my preference. For me, it's mostly craving the thrill that comes with more casual, committed relationships while also holding a deep desire for the very domestic nature that comes with moving in with someone and spending every day together. Polyamory gives me the chance to enjoy both.
I am reluctantly in an open relationship but chose monogamy above. I prefer monogamy, but I found myself loving a man who is not sexually compatible. Either we are open, or I say good-bye to sex or a man I love.
I’m in a monogamous relationship with my soon to be husband and find it difficult. I really miss casual hookups and especially group sex. Before I met him I used to go to sex parties, bathhouses and sex resorts all the time. I’ve come to realize that I love the male bonding and validation that comes from anonymous hookups.
I love my partner and we’re compatible in so many ways, but he’s never had a casual hookup ever and would never consider going to a sex party.
I love my partner and we’re compatible in so many ways, but he’s never had a casual hookup ever and would never consider going to a sex party.
I prefer monogamy, mainly because within those confines everything feels more intimate, more open, and i get to know the real person i'm dating over time (not saying you can't do that in other relationships just for me it works) it feels great to know there is someone there 'for me' where we'll support and care for each other. And sexually it comes back to the intimacy and trust issue with my guy. It means that when we have sex, bare or not, its 'safe sex' and doesn't come with all those other concerns or worries.
I've done the hookups and whilst fun they have no 'meaning' for me, I don't know the guy, don't care deeply about him and necessarily any connection other than pure physical attraction.
Whilst i may accept that 'monogamy' may be a social construct, it did happen for very legitimate reasons including companionship and safety and those reasons are still valid now. That it took a left curve and became something misogynistic doesn't invalidate the original reasons for it.
I do also accept that having come from a 'broken' home I like the idea of monogamy because I seek that certainty - my bf comes from a very loving respectful home and he loves being monogamist because he's seen how it can work well.
But each to their own, and if another way works for another couple, throuple or whatever, and its done in mutual agreement and with respect II'm not going to throw shades at them for liking what they like.
I've done the hookups and whilst fun they have no 'meaning' for me, I don't know the guy, don't care deeply about him and necessarily any connection other than pure physical attraction.
Whilst i may accept that 'monogamy' may be a social construct, it did happen for very legitimate reasons including companionship and safety and those reasons are still valid now. That it took a left curve and became something misogynistic doesn't invalidate the original reasons for it.
I do also accept that having come from a 'broken' home I like the idea of monogamy because I seek that certainty - my bf comes from a very loving respectful home and he loves being monogamist because he's seen how it can work well.
But each to their own, and if another way works for another couple, throuple or whatever, and its done in mutual agreement and with respect II'm not going to throw shades at them for liking what they like.
My husband and I have been in a monogamous relationship for 19 years. We discussed monogamy and our expectations for each other early on in our relationship. I made it very clear early on that for me, monogamy was not something he could demand of me, rather my faithfulness was a gift that I freely choose to give to him. I also told him that it was a gift that I could take back anytime I choose, but that I would not break my commitment to him without telling him ahead of time.
In 19 years I have had temptation placed in my lap several times but I always make decisions with the head on my shoulders and not the head between my legs. It also doesn’t hurt that our sex life is amazing and very satisfying.
Over the years we have known many couples in monogamous relationships and couples in open relationships and the reality is we have known happy couples on both sides of the equation (unhappy couples on both sides too!). So my unscientific, personal observation seems to be, find what works for you as a couple, and makes each person happy. There is no “onesize fits all” when it comes to relationships.
In 19 years I have had temptation placed in my lap several times but I always make decisions with the head on my shoulders and not the head between my legs. It also doesn’t hurt that our sex life is amazing and very satisfying.
Over the years we have known many couples in monogamous relationships and couples in open relationships and the reality is we have known happy couples on both sides of the equation (unhappy couples on both sides too!). So my unscientific, personal observation seems to be, find what works for you as a couple, and makes each person happy. There is no “onesize fits all” when it comes to relationships.
Could you not be best friends though?? You can still be cuddle buddies with your ex and have a monogamy relationship with another guy.
Cuddling easily turns into.... Much more. I know from experience. Hahahaha
I think that's just asking for trouble.
I prefer monogamy because I like the feeling of belonging to someone. I prefer it because it's uncomplicated.
For me, I just don't see the point of being in a relationship if it's open. I have plenty of good friends who can fill that role without the risk of taking half of everything I own in the future.
For me, I just don't see the point of being in a relationship if it's open. I have plenty of good friends who can fill that role without the risk of taking half of everything I own in the future.
I am on the fence in reference to this issue. At one point I was only monogamous minded. At that time I could only act sexually after I established am emotionally connection. I had found this connection through monogamy, mentally and physically being with just one man felt right. As I have gotten older and for various reasons either I or my partner couldn't perform sexual acts that the other enjoyed my capacity expanded. I love my partner and want him to be fulfilled sexually just as he does me. Also we have a solid relationship there is no doubt he loves me and I love him, that isn't going to change of this I am certain. We have discussed seeing others to fulfill sexual pleasures and the door is open in that regard. Still neither of us has.
What I learned is that your relationship will inevitable change like all things do in life. I just feel grateful that I am not threatened by this possibility and that me and my partner were mature enough to open and honestly discuss this issue, knowing that our relationship will ensure. I suppose since I have more then fulfilled that monogamous mind and heart that I have that I see how sex with others can just be that and doesn't have to compromise monogamy.
Others situations may be different and what worked for you now may change in the future. I say to just be open and honest to yourself about what you want.
What I learned is that your relationship will inevitable change like all things do in life. I just feel grateful that I am not threatened by this possibility and that me and my partner were mature enough to open and honestly discuss this issue, knowing that our relationship will ensure. I suppose since I have more then fulfilled that monogamous mind and heart that I have that I see how sex with others can just be that and doesn't have to compromise monogamy.
Others situations may be different and what worked for you now may change in the future. I say to just be open and honest to yourself about what you want.
Appreciate the thoughtful repsonse and telling your story. Glad to hear your perspective.
MuscledHorse
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I have a partner and we do not engage in sexual monogamy or find it to be Natural to the male animal. We both play --together or separate-- and he has been the camera guy on some of my porn scenes. The tone of out relationship is very secure and loving without the overtones of Jealousy of the Other that serves as the foundation to Xian based marriage/relationship structures. Cheating is never an issue because it's just sex to us.
shady ace
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Monogamy is important when I'm considering a person for a relationship. I may be old fashioned, but it's what I want.
kdubb
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My lover and I have been in a monogamous relationship with each other since we first met over 20 years ago and we have no regrets.
Contextual for me. Some people I've wanted to be monogamous with (and so did they, or sometimes they didn't). Others my neck was on ballbearings the whole time we saw each other. I do enjoy having conquest in my life though, and I feel like sometimes (often) that the insularity that some couples demonstrate can be kind of dysfunctional.
Sometimes I'm fine with open, others it makes me super insecure and I get wicked-jealous. It's all contextual, even though my morals, science, politics and desires dont really run toward monogamy. Cliche, but you just have to choose your battles.
Sometimes I'm fine with open, others it makes me super insecure and I get wicked-jealous. It's all contextual, even though my morals, science, politics and desires dont really run toward monogamy. Cliche, but you just have to choose your battles.
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